just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
