I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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