just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
