I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she smelled like a LAN party
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
