90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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