You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
