I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
