I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
