your parents love me but you hate me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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