highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
