how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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