I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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