lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
