a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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