bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
