I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
this hospital has no fireball
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
