I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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