i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
