Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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