You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
