I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
