Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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