life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
