I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
