i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
