I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
