My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
