My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
