I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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