Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
