last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Randomize
