i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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