Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
