do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
