I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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