i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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