The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
