Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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