from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
