Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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