You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
