dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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