now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
