"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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