i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
