I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
