i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
