just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
