you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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