allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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