I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
