There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
