I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
