pedialite and red bull = repair kit
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
