i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
